In this module, we will attend to your relationships, starting with you. You will learn how to have an awkward conversation and how to be honest and say absolutely anything and still be met with love and understanding. This is a beautiful module that will immediately skyrocket your sense of personal empowerment and self-respect.

There is no doubt that much of how we view ourselves and our lives depends on our interpersonal dynamics and how we see ourselves in relation to other people. Our relationships and how we navigate them, also have the potential to really establish and reinforce positive self-esteem.

Challenge One

The first and, in my opinion, scariest challenge is having what we call an ‘awkward conversation’ with somebody. And this isn’t something that you would normally seek to do. You might ask yourself the question ‘Where am I not speaking my truth’ and find that it leads you to realising that there is someone in particular that you have been avoiding a conversation with. Now, you know that this is worth having because it will lead to you getting something off your chest, helping one or both of you let go of resentment or build greater understanding or move forward with more honesty and that will be a sign that it’s time.

This conversation does not need to be awkward. Your approach should be saying what you would like to say as though they will react exactly as you wish for them to react. So you work backwards, right? How would I like them to react? And for them to react this way, I would need to say it like so. Anticipating the worst has an impact on our tonality and body language and actually invites in a particular response. Same goes for anticipating the best.

It's also important that before the conversation, you hold the very best intentions for that person, yourself and beyond. Be kind, always. This is being able to say anything ‘with love on your lips’. How would you phrase your words and what tone would you use if you had love on your lips?

Encourage two-way conversation, too. I’m a huge advocate for always, no matter how hard, creating an opportunity for the other person to have a say and to set up the conditions for that to happen. So whilst you might be successful in saying what you need to say, hearing a response you intended and then walking away, it’s just so thoughtful and compassionate to invite that person to feel free to bring anything else up with you or to make time to speak again if they need. In empowering ourselves, we should avoid disempowering others. I’ve coached many people through the process of awkward conversations, with amazing results. If you need a pep-talk or debrief, I am here to do that in this accelerator course.

As part of this or in addition to, you may attempt a negotiation. Consider what might be relevant in your life and have a discussion with someone, looking for win-win outcomes and to have your needs met. This is where the awkward conversation might be with your boss, where you raise concerns, ideas and proposals, including for more money. There is a compound effect on self-esteem when you are willing to state and claim your worth. Approach it, again, with the ideal outcome in mind.

Challenge Two

Another really important challenge for those in significant relationships is to have you and your partner list your top 5 relationship values. Examples of values might be things like trust, honesty, acceptance, growing together, love, sex, fun, etc. Notice what is different and acknowledge these, allowing the process to explain A LOT. It is actually such a relief when you see how a person’s values explain so much! If anything appears to be completely incompatible, we can do some coaching around that too. If you are single and are looking for a relationship, you can list your own values and use your awareness to draw in the right partner for you. If you meditate with open hands, heart and in loving energy and affirm that you want a relationship with trust, acceptance, mutual support (or whatever your relationship values are), then you will be attuned to:

a)     The person who could have those same values…

b)     Directing partnerships towards your values; you’ll see where you are off-course or where you are aligned, or even where you may be feeling tension because of a misalignment. As mentioned in the above paragraph, just being aware of your values is a great tool in understanding your behaviour and the expectations you may place upon other people.

So what do relationship values have to do with boosting self-esteem? you may wonder. Well for some people, when their partners act out of alignment with their own values, but still seem like a ‘nice person’ or ‘good partner’, it can make that person feel like there is something wrong with them. Like something is amiss. When you are clear on difference, you can honour those and take care of each other in the ways you need. You can ask to have your needs met in ways that you absolutely deserve.

Challenge Three

While we are working on relationships, take stock of what relationships need nurturing. It is easy to think that nobody reaches out to you or that you’ve grown apart from certain people, when you’ve taken no responsibility for it being any different. Pick the frequency and dynamic that works for you. If you would like to talk to your siblings once a week, you need to be the one to make that happen. Change your attitude. It is no slight against you if you are always the one to call. It’s called going at your speed! And as you are dialling up the relationships that you love and want to make work, consider what relationships are toxic and take measures to change the dynamic or distance yourself. If that involves an awkward conversation, consider it an opportunity for more practice.

Challenge Four

Changing the dynamic of your relationships can start with you establishing or re-establishing boundaries. This will mean consistently upholding these boundaries my modelling the type of interactions you want to have and being assertive when somebody oversteps. Usually boundaries are less about how people treat us and more about what we are willing to accept. Be clear on the dynamic you wish to cultivate and control what you can from your end. If a colleague speaks to you unkindly, it is up to you to raise it as a concern and not laugh it off if you want it to stop. If you don’t want to be called after 9pm, don’t answer any messages that arrive at that time, or turn your phone off. What could you do to maintain boundaries and take better care of yourself?

Challenge Summary

♦ Have an awkward conversation with one person, where you candidly raise any issues you want to discuss and speak ‘with love on your lips’.

♦ Attempt a negotiation. Consider what might be relevant in your life and have a discussion with someone, looking for win-win outcomes and to have your needs met.

♦ If you are in a relationship, have you and your partner list your top 5 relationship values. Notice what is different and acknowledge these, allowing the process to explain A LOT. If anything appears to be completely incompatible, we can do some coaching around that too.

♦ Consider what relationships need nurturing and ways you can nurture these with a frequency and dynamic that works for you.

♦ Consider what relationships are toxic and take measures to change the dynamic or distance yourself.

♦ Establish or re-establish boundaries to take care of you!

Further Resources + Mini-Lessons