You Don't Need to Quit Social Media! (Just learn these lessons.)

Having recently gone on hiatus (aka dropped off Insta and Facebook), I’ve felt the strange relief of not being on social media, even after growing to love it in recent years. After all, it was the main way I could get my message across, have my music heard and give greater meaning to the food I ate (is my butter chicken immortal if it lives in my story archives?).

But like anything dubbed as a modern-day addiction, it comes with its dark side, not because it is inherently evil, but because it amplifies all of our own issues. Individually and collectively. I would never need to take a break from it again if I consistently applied these rules to social media and my whole life. And maybe these will help you too. (Skip to the lessons, or keep reading to learn about a collection of my experiences)

These experiences will capture some of my personal struggles with social media, and some of the gifts that my little interlude has brought me.

THE LOUD MUSIC INDUSTRY X ME

For those who don’t know, I’m one of a bazillion singer-songwriters in this world & stay connected with the music industry through my socials. Cheerleader-coach me is all about music artists serenading us with their art through cyberspace. Unabashed self-promotion, 100%. I do it myself in the hope that someone will listen and love a song so much that they just HAVE TO add it to their playlist. I know that if I stay quiet about my songs I could rob someone of the chance to hear the words and music of their own heart- something to make them feel less alone. So I don’t risk it. I don’t stay quiet.

But sensitive-introvert me struggles in this noisy space.

Every day I get so many requests from artists to listen to their songs. It’s spammy, but I get it, and the least spammy DMs are so natural, they’re almost too slick. And I want to listen to everything and comment and support everyone, but there is only so much time in a day and it can begin to feel like I am just a number.

Enter major hypocrisy, because this is part of my marketing process (although I only message friends). So essentially, social media reminds me that I am quite possibly bothering people, ‘disturbing the universe’ too much and that where there is not a resounding love of my music, there might be a minor annoyance in its place.  Unplugging was an escape from that fear, but that one is waiting for me until I get back. In the meantime, I’ve been able to think about other strategies that are less neon-sign-megaphone in nature. It’s a great mental exercise if nothing else, and I don’t know whether I would have considered another way without this break.

THOSE (VERY SLIPPERY) DM SLIDES

When you are your business and the face of it, it makes sense to be visible. With the talents of a photographer hubby and my B+ selfie game, my most heart-felt & a-lifetime-in-the-making words are always accompanied by a pretty picture.

Here lies my first-world problem.

All I want is to connect with my audience, the people I see and who see me. But sometimes the most engagement a post would generate would be half a dozen unsolicited messages from guys who think looking cute is an open invitation to flirt. I couldn’t even count how many times I’ve had to write a gracious message that pivots into a care and coaching angle to steer away from this dynamic. After so long off social media, I’d be much more direct hereon. I remember making a funny video in 2019 that introduced me to my most intense fan/stalker. I got so mad at myself for not being able to tame the cheeky sparkle in my eye and lately I’ve loved not having to even question whether being myself will attract unwanted attention.

A SHIFT TO SERVICE

What I’ve loved about this time is that it’s helped me focus on real service and not ‘being seen to be serving’. Now if I want to help someone, I create something special for them. I’ll open up channels for support through email. I’ll answer questions on forums where I don’t need to think or care about the appearance of following. I can simply serve and never have to think about how vanity metrics look to the world. I admit that not being able to do social media campaigns gives me the illusion of missing out on potential clients, however most the people I work with I’ve either met in real life or they’re on my email list. Focusing on one-to-one and non-public conversations has been so nice. Most people I reach out to aren’t those I want to coach, but are just great humans that are hard to hear through the noise of an indiscriminate news feed. It’s a return to friendship.

STILL CREATIVE, BUT DIFFERENT

Social media easily takes up our play time. And for someone like me, I really get why. I can be creative, take pics, share thoughts, get validation (that thing I think I don’t need) and spy on the people I love, getting inspired (or bummed out) but loving the thrill of creative freedom in a space where everyone does the same.

Now I can’t say that time off social media has made me more creative than normal. It’s been during my most active social media periods that I’ve written some of my best songs and produced the most compelling copy. But I have been able to produce more longform posts, create courses, and journal-write for as long as I need, without having to satisfy the compulsion to show someone else. So much of what I create is just for me, and that’s its own freedom. I doubt that anybody is waiting with bated breath for my next Instagram post, and if those who are will probably come across this! Consistency is about showing up with care and quality, not every single day or week. I will hold myself to that standard too.

I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING?

With the endless inspiration online, it’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing what other people are doing and thinking that they have exactly what you want. Nuh uh. I get like this sometimes, like when I see fitness models and pole dancers in their element. It’s a shiny object that can make me feel for a second that maybe I’m not enough. It might only take an instant to do the mental about-face that reminds me that I don’t want ‘all the things’, but frankly, it’s been nice not having to do the mind acrobatics to navigate the chasm between how people look on the outside and how they feel on the inside.

BREAKING THE ADDICTION

Not having the option of an early-morning scroll or the thought of whether an unsolicited DM is lurking in my inbox has been pleasant. Not being able to pick up my phone and do the mindless social media hop has meant that when I need a rest, I just rest or meditate, instead of seeking refuge between platforms. When I’m feeling lonely, I don’t need to post to open a conversation. I just call someone. Fortunately for me, I don’t really have FOMO when it comes to social media. My biggest concern is feeling like I’m not there for people who might need support or love, but if they really need me, they will find a way.

HOW I ACTUALLY LIKE TO SPEND MY TIME

I thought that with time off social media I would become my fittest self, or something equally tangible and impressive. But really, I just love to learn. All the time I would normally be online, I’ve spent learning and exploring some of my favourite topics of interest: literature, psychology, design and learning itself. It’s helped the world feel bigger in an expansive, not overwhelming, way. And doing this without being able to really leave the house and see loved ones, has somehow made me feel more connected- plugged in to some other source.

Now, my time off social media coincided with some pretty significant stressors, so I would love to see what this would look like during another phase of my life. Inevitably, I will need to return to share my services and my music, because emboldened sharing is still important in my growth journey. But I don’t need social media.

It sounds cheesy, but I think I just need to love, connect, sing my art and sing the praises of the people who inspire me to shine. Note to self: I can do this anywhere, on and offline.

I didn't need to quit social media to apply these important life lessons, but my hiatus sure reminded me of why we need them!

Here are 5 big lessons that could totally transform our experience of social media (and life).

1.       Set clear boundaries and uphold them.

Just because I am liking posts and conscious at 9pm, doesn’t mean I have to engage in conversations at that time. Like me, you don’t have to let people address you on social media different to how they would be willing to in real life. Don’t give mixed messages with smiley emojis and love hearts. If you want to create distance or set a boundary, be very clear.

2.       Be intentional

When you go on social media, have an aim and a time limit. Even if your intention (albeit not the best way) is to just ‘switch off’, put yourself on a timer. And give yourself a dedicated window of time. You can let yourself off the hook from having to constantly check in to see what’s happening. Other intentions could be to connect with one new person, or to share something important to you and to recognise a lovely quality in someone else. It might be to learn something new. Overall, our experiences are better when we have an intention.

3.       Quality, not quantity.

For me, this means to focus on service, not just being ‘active’. Make responses to others meaningful, and slow down where you can so that you can really ‘see’ another human, or learn or focus or share from a genuine place.

4.       Focus on what is in your power.

You can choose how to represent yourself, but you can’t control how it will be received. You can choose how often to log in or post, but you can’t control how every individual will respond to what you share. You can reach out to people you admire, and maybe they will never reply, but hey, you gotta try. Make sure you are having a great experience- the kind that is less about addiction and more about you enriching your life.

5.       Remember that you are enough.

You are you. You can choose who you want to be, but do that before you jump on social media and see hundreds of images of who you could or should be. Appreciate the diversity you see and celebrate wins that are shared, knowing that you don’t have to be like anybody else. When you know the ‘you’ that you want to connect with, wear it on the inside and on the outside. That kind of integrity provides the self-esteem that a 100k following can’t buy. Be you and be proud.

Have you taken a hiatus from social media? What did you learn and did you return better than ever? Share your experiences in the comments. I am so very curious about this one.

Lots of love,

Becky